The Cell Block Tango of Azkaban
artwork by VivalaVida
Listen here: The Cell Block Tango of Azkaban
Written by Miranda and performed by Miranda(Bellatrix), Jules(Alecto), Jamie(Narcissa), Hilde(Innocent Woman), Erna(Umbridge), Katie(Unknown DE), Chris(Announcer), to the tune “Cell Block Tango” from Chicago by John Kander.
[BELLA]
Strut
[ALECTO]
Crucio
[NARCISSA]
Dumble
[INNOCENT]
Uh uh
[UMBRIDGE]
Dungeon
[MONA]
Lipschitz!
[BELLA]
Strut
[ALECTO]
Crucio
[NARCISSA]
Dumble
[INNOCENT]
Uh uh
[UMBRIDGE]
Dungeon
[MONA]
Lipschitz!
[ANNOUNCER]
And now the six merry murderesses of the Azkaban Wizarding Prison in their rendition of “The Cell Block Tango”
[BELLA]
Strut
[ALECTO]
Crucio
[NARCISSA]
Dumble
[INNOCENT]
Uh uh
[UMBRIDGE]
Dungeon
[MONA]
Lipschitz!
(4X)
[ALL]
They had it coming
They had it coming
They only had themselves to blame
If you’d have been there
If you’d have seen it
[BELLA]
I betcha you would have done the same!
[BELLA]
Strut
[ALECTO]
Crucio
[NARCISSA]
Dumble
[INNOCENT]
Uh uh
[UMBRIDGE]
Dungeon
[MONA]
Lipschitz!
(2X)
[BELLA]
You know how muggles
have these little habits
that get you down? Breathing air.
Walking the same ground as we.
No, not walk, strut. So I went out this one day,
and I’m really irritated, and
looking for a little submission
and there’s a muggle in
Diagon Alley, smilin, laughin
and walkin. No, not walkin.
Strutin’. So I said to him,
I said, you smile and
laugh one more time….
and he did.
So I pulled out my wand, raised my arm
and I fired an Avada Kedavra…
…he dropped dead.
[ALL]
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you’d have been there
If you’d have heard it
I betcha you would
Have done the same!
[ALECTO]
I met Zacharias Collins from
Upper Flagley about two years ago
and he told me he was pure-blood
and we hit it off right away.
So, we started going to meetings together.
He’d go to a meeting, cozy up to the other Death Eaters, talk about “the cause”
And then I found out,
“Pure-blood” he told me?
Pure-blood, my ass. Not only was he not pure-blood
…oh, no, he was
One of those muggle borns, you know. So that
night, after our meeting, I took him over to Malfoy Manor.
You know, some guys just can’t hold
up to Crucio.
[ALL]
He had it coming
He had it coming
He was tortured
for a time
And then he admit it
And he bit it
It was a murder
But not a crime!
[NARCISSA]
Now, I’m standing in the kitchen,
conjuring up the chicken for dinner,
minding my own business,
when Draco came in screamin’,
in a towering rage,
“That house elf betrayed us,
I told you he would!”
So I went looking for old Dumble.
And when I found him,
he ran into my stunning curse,
he ran into my stunning curse 10 times.
[ALL]
If you’d have been there
If you’d have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same!
[INNOCENT (Spoken in Dutch)]
Warom ben ik hier? Ze zeggen dat mijn lieverd die Dreuzel vasthield terwijl ik hem met
- wat zeiden ze? … Sectumsempra open sneed. Zo een leugen!
Ik ben onschuldig. Geen idee warom ze niet geloven
dat ik onder de Imperiusvloek was. Ik probeerde het aan de
Wikenweegschaar te verklaren, maar die verstonden mij niet.
[Why am I here? They say my lover held one of those Muggle while I cut him with
- what did they call it? - Sectumsempra open. What a lie,
I am innocent. I don't know why they won't believe
I was under the Imperius Curse. I tried to explain it
to the Wizengamot but they didn't understand me.]
Werom zen’k ‘ier? Die zegge dat m’n lieverd zo‘n Dreuzel vast’ield terwel Ik ‘em
meÉ wat zeide ze? É Sectumsempra open snee. Zo‘n leuge!
‘k zen onschuldig! Geen idee werom ze me nie gelo‘ve
da’k onder de Imperiusvloek was. ‘k probeerde ‘t an die
Wikenweegschoaar te verkloare’, moar die verstonde me nie’.
[NARCISSA]
Yeah, but did you do it?
[INNOCENT]
UH UH, not guilty!
[UMBRIDGE]
The Minister, Cornelius and
I had this double act
and our friend, Malfoy,
used to help out behind the scenes.
Now, I was sent to Hogwarts to act,
We must have passed 20 decrees in a row
one, two, three, four, five…High Enquisitor, punishments, no teams, groups, or clubs, one right after the other
So this one night that traitor Weasley found me down in the Dungeon
He had this wild story, but I knew it was all a lie.
I get to my office, open the door, and there’s Harry and
Hermione trespassing in my office, heads in the fire
Well, I was in such a state of shock
I completely blacked out. I can’t remember a thing
it wasn’t until later,
when they did Priori Incantatem to my wand
I even knew Harry’d been tortured.
[UMBRIDGE]
They had it coming
[GIRLS]
They had it coming
[UMBRIDGE]
They had it coming
[GIRLS]
They had it coming
[UMBRIDGE]
They had it coming all along
[GIRLS]
They had it coming all along
[UMBRIDGE]
I didn’t do it
[GIRLS]
She didn’t do it
[UMBRIDGE]
But if I done it
[GIRLS]
But if she done it
[UMBRIDGE]
How could you tell me that I was wrong?
[UMBRIDGE]
They had it coming
[GIRLS]
They had it coming
[UMBRIDGE]
They had it coming
[GIRLS]
They had it coming
[UMBRIDGE]
They had it coming
[GIRLS]
They were tortured
[UMBRIDGE]
All along
[GIRLS]
for a time
[UMBRIDGE]
I didn’t do it
[GIRLS]
And then they used it
[UMBRIDGE]
But if I’d done it,
How could you tell me that I was wrong?
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Ah, music... by makani
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